she was so not down for the gang bang
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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