I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
