I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
