i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
