my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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