Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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