this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
