Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Randomize
