P.S. I can't hear my feet
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
