ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
