dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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