He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
