I got chris browned last night
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
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