We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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