Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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