ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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