Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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