a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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