I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
