so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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