Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize