Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
