She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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