I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
