can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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