Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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