i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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