Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
