So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
