don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
