she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
