but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
