How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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