I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
