My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize