anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He told me they were just razor bumps!
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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