Little spoons don't ask big questions
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
