I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
