Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
