where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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