You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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