I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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