If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
