the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Randomize
