I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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