I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
