i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
