well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize