I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
