The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
