I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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