Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Randomize
