can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
