I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
