Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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