Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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