Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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