Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
