You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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