Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
