11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
hotel room ftw
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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