Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
