Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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