my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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