i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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