I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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