There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
