i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize