Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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